Perhaps you know what it is like to say yes in a conversation while a no is clearly present inside you. Or you swallow what you actually wanted to say in order not to hurt anyone, and afterwards you are annoyed with yourself. Speaking clearly and lovingly at the same time sounds simple, and often it is not.
Why is that so? At its core it comes down to integrity, which means aligning what you think with what you say and how you act. First comes the thought. From the thought arises a feeling, and from both follow your words and your actions. All of this together forms your character. If you train yourself to think in love, you will more likely feel love, speak honestly and act in a meaningful way.
Where our language comes from
We learn how to communicate very early, from around the age of one or two, and the transactional psychiatrist Dr. Pat Allen describes two kinds of love that shape this language imprint. Unconditional, accepting love allows the child to have and express all of its feelings, wants and not-wants. Conditional love, on the other hand, divides the child’s feelings into right and wrong ones, and affection is given for good performance.
A child growing up with conditional love learns to cloak its true feelings and thoughts in order to belong. It suppresses, adapts and develops a program of shoulds instead of a program of wants. And because it experiences this system as normal, it later carries the same language of pressure and conditions into its own relationships. If you would like to understand how such early imprints keep working in relationships, read my article on relationship patterns.
The language of should and the language of love
You recognise the language of conditions by words like “you should”, “you must” and “you have to”. The language of love is much simpler, for it says: “I want” and “I do not want”, “I want you to” and “I do not want that”.
The difference is bigger than it seems. When you say “I want to go shopping tomorrow. Do you want to come with me?”, you give the other person the inner space to think freely and to answer simply and honestly. There is no hidden pressure and no guilt, just two people exchanging their wants. This simple way of asking gives everyone the power of choice.
Many of us consider “I do not want to” impolite. Pat Allen holds that potency outranks politeness, and that politeness belongs at the end of the sentence: “I want this, may I?” When you clean up your inner and outer language in this way, you gradually change your thinking, and you draw more of what you truly want into your life.
What closeness really means
Pat Allen describes intimacy as the ability to communicate clearly about wants and not-wants, and to negotiate disagreements in a clear way. Love she defines as the contracts you are willing to make and to keep with others and with yourself. Both together make up integrity.
This takes all the harshness out of clarity, because speaking clearly is not selfishness, but the foundation of real closeness. Only when the other person knows what you truly want and do not want can they truly meet you.
A simple practice for your daily life
For a while, place your conscious attention on how you speak. Replace a “you should” with an “I would like”, and a dutiful yes with an honest “I do not want to”. An old rule of wisdom recommends briefly asking yourself before you speak: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
You will notice that this practice changes more than your words, for when the inner noise of the should-sentences grows quieter, you hear your own intuition more clearly again, and your thinking, speaking and acting fall into line by themselves.
When clarity feels difficult
Perhaps you sense while reading that this is exactly what feels difficult for you, the honest no, the clear “I want”. That is not a weakness, but usually the old language imprint of conditional love still working within you. In my seminar “Harmonious Relationships” we look at such patterns together, and you learn to express your wants clearly and lovingly, so that your relationships become deeper and more honest.
You can find all the information about the seminar here: https://sandragrosshealing.com/seminar-harmonious-relationships/
