“It’s very difficult being a woman. It’s very difficult being a man, too.” (Marianne Williamson, “A Woman’s Worth”)
Marianne Williamson describes the typical modern woman as one who knows how to be successful, but no longer knows how to be feminine. She calls this phenomenon the “father’s daughter”: the daughter who was raised with a pat on the back from her father for performing well, and who learned from it that she is loved when succeeding in the world, and not simply for being who she is.
I could easily relate to this. And becoming aware of the phenomenon is the key to begin making conscious shifts in your actions and perceptions. The fathers meant it well, and this is no judgment on them. It was a different generation, and they wanted to grant their daughters a chance of being independent, which is a noble intention. Perhaps becoming aware later in life of what it means to be a woman or a man makes the experience even deeper.
Feminine and masculine qualities need each other
Becoming aware helps you live a happier life, because you consciously choose your thoughts and feelings. For a balanced life you need both kinds of qualities, the so-called feminine and the masculine ones. They are different aspects of living a whole and contented life. You can even say that at their core there is no difference, for the yin and yang symbol depicts some yang qualities within the yin and vice versa. For example, if you are highly focused and concentrated, which is a yang quality, you can also feel calm and relaxed, which is a yin quality. And if you are feeling calm, you might be in the middle of very much activity, but you experience it from your still point.
Often we are not aware of what constitutes masculine qualities, such as giving and thinking, and what constitutes more feminine qualities, such as receiving and feeling. Society often values the giving qualities more, and thus an unhealthy imbalance can occur in your life. “A Course in Miracles” teaches that giving and receiving are the same. If you are giving someone a gift, it feels like receiving for you too, doesn’t it? And when you receive, you give the other the gift of having made you happy.
Why this matters for your health
In Ayurveda it is taught that you should live according to your constitution. Likewise, if you are a woman, it is healthier for you to embody feminine qualities than to over-emphasise masculine ones. A woman constantly doing, working and contributing is more prone to experience burnout than a woman who gets enough rest, takes time to process her emotions and enjoys her time, simply by being. Receiving, resting and feeling are not a luxury, but nourishment for your health and your relationships. You can read how closely the relationship with yourself is connected to this in my article on unconditional self-love.
Books and impulses that have shaped me
These recommendations are in no specific order. Most of these books I learned about through Marianne Williamson in her talks. I love her, for she teaches “A Course in Miracles” and its principles, and she shows how forgiveness and stepping up to a higher path is the way to understanding and enlightenment, with an active participation in your life and in our modern society.
- “A Woman’s Worth” by Marianne Williamson: about what it means to be a woman in modern society and in your relationships.
- “Women Who Run with the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés: about being a wild woman and freeing yourself from the conditioning of society, wild and beautiful instead of streamlined and well-adjusted.
- “Rushing Woman’s Syndrome” by Dr. Libby Weaver: she explains in detail what rushing and not taking enough time to relax and unwind does, especially to a female body, and how it affects your hormonal system.
- All books by Dr. Pat Allen: she combines tools of communication with her knowledge of yin and yang qualities, and shows how conscious communication deepens a relationship. The woman feels cherished by her man for her feelings, and the man feels respected for his way of thinking.
- The “S Factor” method by Sheila Kelley: I first heard about this workout method for pole dancing through a TED talk by its founder, which offers quite a different perspective on pole dance: Let’s get naked, a TED talk by Sheila Kelley.
- “Goddesses in Every Woman” and “Gods in Every Man” by Jean Shinoda Bolen: these books are about the feminine and masculine archetypes. When you are “in your temple”, as Marianne Williamson says, you embody their positive aspects, and when ruled by your ego, the shadow sides prevail. We may learn to embody all the archetypes in different situations, and knowing their characteristics helps us develop consciously.
- “Enchanted Love” by Marianne Williamson: about the mystical power of intimate relationships.
- “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf: this was my very first book of this kind. I read it at 21, when I was living in Dublin, on the recommendation of a very good friend from Northern Ireland. I asked him why he had read it, and he said, at 21, that as a man he felt obliged to know about the mechanisms by which women are kept small nowadays, because he wanted to make a difference. I was very impressed by his way of thinking.
- The Bhagavad Gita and many other spiritual texts: especially in the Hindu tradition, the stories of creation emphasise the interplay of the Divine Mother and the Divine Father in the creation of the universe, and how they have to be in balance.
There are so many other great books out there. This is a selection of what impressed me most and changed my life at the given times. Reading a book is not enough, practising what you read is the key. Then even one book can be transformative. Observe how these little changes in your habits and interactions make a difference in the quality of your relationships, and how your self-confidence and happiness increase.
If you would like to deepen your balance
Perhaps you sense while reading that one side prevails in you, for example the constant giving and achieving, while receiving and resting fall short. Such imbalances often have their cause in old imprints, like the story of the father’s daughter. This is exactly what I work with in Resonance Repatterning, because it allows the balance of your feminine and masculine energy to be restored.
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